my equanimity.

2011-10-18T16:54:00.000+08:00

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

But where there are prophecies, they will cease;
where there are tongues, they will be stilled;
where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

2011-10-14T07:52:00.002+08:00

I told you how i felt, or what bothered me.. so that i can just "clear" the air.
Never did i know it actually affected you in a way that it accumulated and caused you to be pissed.

If there were no questions, i wouldnt have asked.

You said not to question your every action, ok i wont.

I will not bring up anything that bothers me, neither will i be affected if you are going away on a short trip with your friends during your one week holiday while i have school the whole of that week, nor will i comment much on any other stuff.

You asked if i was fine, i lied.
I didn't feel fine.

I just felt sad or horrible.
I cried while i was messaging you;
cried myself to bed.

I will just focus on my upcoming test and school work and next week's 6 days straight of school after work, while you can have fun having dinner or playing lan games or going to sisters island for 2d 1n.

No comments.

2011-10-03T10:33:00.001+08:00

This year, there was no "happy birthday" from my father.

2011-09-27T16:23:00.002+08:00

Over-reaction or under-reaction?

To have a reaction is a sign that one is valued,
even if it is an over-reaction.

"Under-reaction" implies there's no more worth in putting time, effort or emotion in something anymore, which is sad.

2011-09-27T09:50:00.002+08:00

A short summary on what happened over the weekend;

Bee's grandpa was admitted into SGH.. he's still in the hospital and i hope and pray that he'll be fine..
He's a very nice and pleasant man. :)

Some trust issues i have with bee.
I wanted to but some things feels so suspicious and it's questionable; the answer i got led me to more questions, logically.
It would have been better if there were some assurance.
I guess i got demoralised then.

2011-08-18T12:56:00.002+08:00

Quite abit of stuff happened last week; which led me to ponder and reflect.
Things that upset me, somehow seemed insignificant to my bf.

Why is this so?
Is it just me, being over-sensitive?
Is it that i cared to much, which is why i tend to just speak my mind to try and solve things right there and then?

I don't like to be the irritating one who always bring something up.
But, what choice do i have?
My bf isn't one who's naturally very open and chatty.

If he naturally opens up to me, talks to me, lets me know what's really on his mind or how he's feeling, i won't have to keep on probing, trying to get some answers so that whatever issue is bugging me, will be "solved".
I dont like to sweep things under the rug and let it pile up.
We know that it will burst open one day.

I'm one who prefers to talk it out; give each other a chance to tell their side of the story.
I just can't have a cold war, and when i asked if it was because of me, i was told no.
If it wasn't me, why give me the cold shoulder and leave me all puzzled and thinking all the time for what that i might have done. This, again will get me started on probing.

If i was told directly what the reason was, i wouldnt have probed so much.

But again, maybe i cared too much which is why all these affects me whereas you seemed.. so fine.

Maybe.
I should just be like you.
So cool and not be bothered by all these.
Even if it does, i'll just keep mum.

2011-07-14T10:34:00.004+08:00

Had a catching up session with one of my friends, only to reminisce the past.
It just seemed like yesterday, when we were so carefree with no worries.
We just had to worry about our studies, boy-girl relationships, having fun.. etc
Oh, how i miss those days.

Now everything seemed to have made a 360 degree turn.
Now we worry about school, work, income and so much more!!

Furthermore, living here in Singapore it is really very competitive.
We work to survive, not survive to work.

Here, everything is about money.
Government is increasing the cost of living, life gets more stressful.

Of course, those living a sheltered life, may not experience this yet.

Now i'm starting to ponder.
Even if i manage to complete my studies and get a degree, will my future income be enough?
Or maybe, by the time i graduate, even a degree is rendered useless.

Oh boy.

2011-07-01T09:12:00.002+08:00

i hate it when i feel insecure.
why is it that of all the little hiccups, it's caused by the same stupid problem.
Maybe i'm just being anal.

I tried to be direct and honest with what and how i feel about it, but somehow i feel worse.

I get more paranoid, unsure about trusting.

I want to be assured, but there's no assurance from you and the negativity is building up.
I am trying to convince myself to let it go.

Somehow, i'm glad that my blog is not heard of because i can rant it out here.

2011-04-18T22:38:00.002+08:00

In life, at times people tend to feel lost or start to question things in their lives.

Yes, i am at this phase now.

However, i am inspired by a school mate of mine who was engaged recently.

I read her blog and how she was able to keep a positive mindset; her fiance encourages her, spurs her on.

A very sweet couple. :)

Also, because of this, i am affected somehow.

In fact, it brought me even more questions.

2011-04-13T10:27:00.008+08:00

Was busy with work for the past few days as I had to cover my colleague due to her absence. Been raining for the past two days as well.. urgh. Somehow, i'm kinda dreading today's lecture as we'll have to finish 3 lectures today which means, it'll take about 3 hrs. WHY? It was because of yesterday, there were quite a few technical problems like not being able to get the projector working, the mic not working.. blah blah.and the lecturer even told us to gp and play in the rain. -.-" Therefore, by the time everything was rectified, it was 8pm. Wasted 1 whole hour!!! (I could have saved on my cab fare and even have a quick dinner, damn.) Well, I can only hope and pray that the lectures tonight will be very INTERESTING and SHORT (which i highly doubt so, sadly.)

Ok, a random pic of my mischievous dog to end this post.

Ok, there's something wrong with blogger, not sure why everything is chunked up in a paragraph.

Out.

2011-04-05T21:04:00.003+08:00

A random post on....

This is one of my all-time favourites since i was a kid.

Sultana biscuits.

I can eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. (not kidding)

I like it mainly because of the chewy raisins that's in it and yes, at times i'll just eat the only the parts with raisins.

Ok back to studying.

2011-03-31T11:49:00.003+08:00

Was counting the number of semesters i've have to pay for fees; 3 more! YEAH!!! But then again, when i remembered that 1 sem = 6months.. that's equivalent to about 2 years. YAWNS. (Yes, i have to say this again....) Work is so boring and stagnant. Should i just quit and be a broke ass... So tempted to but no money how to survive in singapore?

2011-03-23T22:34:00.003+08:00

So, communicated with the bf and realised that all those that i mentioned in the previous post which i was affected by, it was normal to him as he didn't miss anything's amiss.

Guess it's time to accept him as someone who's really quiet; a man of ONE word.(not few, haha.)

Oh well. So, now i know.

Shall not think so much in the future then!

OMGOSH. My school's lab project's a killer.

My current first project have 10 questions.

The first 4, is like,enough.

After reading it, you'd go WHAAAT?!?!

Thank god the the deadline extension, else i'll really kill all my brain cells in having to research for all the answers in 5 days.

Looking forward to this weekend of relaxation? then to be a real science nerd.

2011-03-21T20:24:00.008+08:00

It's been pretty smooth so far, but in life nothing is always smooth sailing.

Sometimes i wonder if you're really happy; the awkward times(at least, to me) when we ate in silence and it's kinda depressing that i actually pictured myself standing up and walking off, which i did not, of course.

That's when i really wonder what was going through your mind.

It's kinda tough trying to figure out what's on your mind as you're not someone who's very expressive by nature, especially when you're all quiet.

I may be oversensitive, but sometimes i just get the feeling that you're feeling sian.

If you say that you dont feel sian, then why would i have that "feeling"?

It may be due to us not having much common interests in the first place, maybe.

I dont wanna become someone to you who's like, "oh you're here, ok lor."

This may sound a bit pathetic but sometimes i just cant help but feel envious of paris who gets such affection from you.

I want and hope to spend quality time with you.

Not quantity.

We can be by each others' side the whole day but we're just engrossed in doing our own stuff.

The times you asked why i was so quiet;

i was thinking about all these thoughts that crossed my mind.

If you're truly happy.

i dont want us to be together for the sake of just being together.

I dont wanna always be the one who's like digging up problems, complaining, emo-ing.

As much as i wanna close an eye and leave it as it is, maybe its just me, being a libran;

we like peace and harmony, hence i'd rather know the problem and prefer to talk things out to solve matters to bring it to a close.

Bahh, maybe what i've typed above doesn't make any sense at all.

2011-02-08T20:18:00.002+08:00

Bemused.

Feels like there's a lost in interest.

Things weren't the same as before,

or is it just me, lying to myself?

I need assurance.

need to leave

2010-10-13T09:04:00.001+08:00

Dramatic happenings recently.

Demoralised.

Shall stay till i get my dec bonus, then hopefully by then i've found a new one and then i can tender.

This is the last straw.

2010-08-18T09:17:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I really feel like dropping everything and just walk away.

Oh.
Yesterday, my manager was talking to me in a serious tone and asked who is giving me trouble in work;
Every cell in me screamed "YOU!!!", well, literally.
I wonder if he read or sensed my thoughts.
Or maybe saw the look in my eyes.

dead pulse.

2010-08-05T12:11:00.002+08:00

Here i am, blogging at work.
OOPSIE.

Well, i feel that i've come to a point in my life where my work had become.. boring and meaningless.
On 27th Aug, it will be my 3rd year of work at the same place.

Things could have been better because:
- The higher management(basically my managers) sucks big time
- They can't be bothered with the welfare of the staff (including me, duh)
- they are damn good in practising Tai Qi (not wanting to take matters when escalated to their level, push to Mr A, Mr A push to Mr B..)

Well, it's not all bad here as my threshold for stress and tolerance should be like..well trained (thanks to the unreasonable and nasty patients/staff). HA.

(DARN. Speak of the devil. Just a minute after finishing the previous sentence, about 5 to 6 staff swarmed around me to bug me about their leaves.)

Rarr.

Back to my topic, YES. I've been nagging about how much i wanna get a new job related to my studies.
No action taken yet and this just shows what a gooood procrastinator i am.
The factors to consider about having a new job when i'm studying and the advice others gave me aren't really.. very.. encouraging i'd say.

So yeah. Procrastinating again.

Ok.
Back to work.

Cabbies.

2010-01-20T08:15:00.002+08:00

My doubts are confirmed today;
Taxi drivers really do intentionally shortchange you by rounding up the total amount to the nearest dollar.

2010

2009-12-30T08:50:00.002+08:00

2010 in 2 days time.
What will your resolution be?
What will mine be?
Older we will become,
but will we be wiser?
Will there be answers?
What lies ahead of us?
Enlighten me.

Christmas..

2009-12-24T08:15:00.003+08:00

HOHOHO~!

Its the season of giving!

Series of events.

2009-12-15T16:30:00.003+08:00

Last saturday, after my lab session our group headed down to ECP for night cycling! Half of us went there earlier to rent 10 bicyles and the other half were chilling at ash's place. We didnt just chill, we prepared FOOD and brought booze. Hows drink-cycling man. (Not that we did that)

After waiting for Jerome to get usage of his family car we finally headed down and started cycling around.. 1 am!
Kinda stopped cycling around 430 i think. Nearing the end of cycling, my bike's basket just suddenly flew off; along with my bb.. into 3 parts. ULTIMATE HEARTACHE. We stayed up, drank abit and played games till.. the sun was out. I was extremely tired and i only went to bed around 9 am on Sunday morning. I was kinda puzzled as for why my elbow was hurting till I vaguely remembered that i practically rolled off my bed and hit my elbow on the platform edge. Clumsy.

Monday, i fell on my bum due to the steps of the stairs (infront of my incharge). ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT. I was kinda glad that i didnt roll down the flight of stairs. Needless to say, adding on that my bum was hurting due to the overnight riding.

HOW INTERESTING.

2009-11-09T12:24:00.002+08:00

why, this situation again?

Blurry.

2009-10-21T09:00:00.002+08:00

Last night, i was reading on my bed; about my essay-related to contraceptive vaccines.
Either i was too tired or the bed too being too comfy, i dozed off.

Woke up in the morning, prepared for work and all.
Was going to leave hence i closed my room's windows and upon closing the last one..i just merely pulled the window handle and it just gave way.

*momentarily stunned*

Thought i was dreaming.

2009-10-16T08:15:00.002+08:00

I WILL AND I MUST.
5 to go.

Was chatting online with a friend on mine and we shared our views on a topic;
Flashbacks and a realisation on how time flies.
Its interesting to know and share views are so as to have a mutual understanding and be on the same page.
I realised.

On another note, i was trying to download applications into the ipod touch and somehow it wasnt VERY successful. WHYYYYY. tsk.

2009-09-24T23:15:00.002+08:00

Who would bother if i didn't?

Yippee

2009-09-14T18:34:00.002+08:00

I've received an early birthday present!!
Something that was on my wishlist!!
Unexpected and was stunned.

Thank you all! *hugs*

Arigato! I'm loving it. <3

2009-09-04T10:57:00.002+08:00

Exams are coming.
Many things happened.
Loathed it to the MAX.
Just saw a post and i see assumptions being made.
Mixed emotions.

Thought maybe i had moved forth but only to realise running was all i did.
A feeling of gloom overcomes me.
As usual, i wanna run away but its not a solution.
Yet no solution i have.

For now i shall just bury myself in work and studies.
Yes, sounds like running away still. I know.

weird.

2009-08-21T12:23:00.004+08:00

A number of events happened recently.
Getting some news that was unexpectedly expected.
For one, i got an answer from deep within me.
As much as i've hated this person, i've come to realised that i actually still care and love this person.
Maybe it's due to blood ties which is something that i can never run away from.

Admiration.

2009-08-04T22:31:00.002+08:00

Chanced upon this celebrity's blog ; Melody Chen.
Read and somehow felt envious of her life now.
Simple and blissful.
Her husband, Randall Tan
is also her best friend.
A sweet couple matchmade in heaven..

Not all couples end up so though, which is why they're lucky and im happy for them.

Which somehow starts to make me ponder...

*Counting down to K.L*

tired

2009-07-17T18:24:00.003+08:00

A sucky friday that was hectic, very.
Little things made my heart beat faster;
unexpected "surprises" and situations that i can't run away from.

Angry patients whom i had to attend to for at least 15 mins; listening to them ~~shouting~~ talking..

my "left and right hands" from work on MC, leaving me alone.

Nice.

i'm really tired to the extent i feel like giving up.

something?

2009-06-28T14:21:00.004+08:00

There was something, but it was nothing.

On another thought,

When was something ever nothing?

Still..

2009-06-25T21:26:00.005+08:00

Just had my Mid-Sem test today.
*crosses fingers*

I slipped and fell today as the floor was wet and i was in the midst of preparing to head to school.
Although it hurts, but i still giggled.

maybe its funny how i fell after "ages" of not falling and not to worry my mom.
Not forgetting the impact..i guess i must have shocked my mom.
even i myself was shocked as everything happened so quickly.
I practically skidded after landing on my hip and my poor shin (with uneven bumps/swells now after hitting the leg of the sofa) caused the sofa to slam against the wall and boy, it was loud.
I was motionless for awhile due to the pain and shock.
unwillingly propped myself up on my elbows to create some movement (else my mom'll think i'd fainted) and waited for the pain to subside which didnt seem to happen.

At least she's not the one in pain, for that im glad.

the melody's so sad that i'm feeling emo.

2009-06-08T23:35:00.004+08:00

like a roller-coaster ride
intriguing yet full of doubts
predictable yet so unpredictable
so near yet feels so far.

under-exposed films
together with disappointment
gone are the visuals
left are the memories

am i just being naive or stupid.

bonkers.

2009-06-03T23:22:00.008+08:00

Oh september hurry soon
a weekend getaway
here i come!

Currently diggin' this.

So sad yet so nice.

Misses.

2009-05-31T16:14:00.006+08:00

I miss.
Though it was not for long.
I still feel the tingle in my limbs when i see the graceful steps and movement.
How i yearned to be the one doing it.

Times gone.
Bones hardened.
No longer flexible.
No more cartwheels, splits, backward bends and others.

Dance like no one's business, for you are the dance.

who will really understand me?

thinking back.

2009-05-30T00:48:00.013+08:00

Sigh of relief or a start to worrying?
Human beings, so contradicting.
This, yet that.

Lines crossed and drawn
hurt inflicted yet, so helpless
each as a constant reminder
The only way it can be.

An impromptu expedition

a gradual realisation

a sudden fall

a wake up call.

Something that seemed impossible.

Dream-like and unexpected.

short lived

Understood.

Granted as decided.

sicko.

2009-05-27T22:42:00.004+08:00

Heavy head
Scorched throat
Weird nose
Fever, soon maybe? (thirtyseven.five~)

Pain numbed with lozenges
sweet yet bitter
numbed yet a sensation can still be felt.

why?

2009-05-23T15:24:00.005+08:00

As strange as it may seem
certain things unraveled
emotionless it should be
but somehow it was not so.

Exhaustion.

2009-05-21T23:41:00.001+08:00

Exhaustion.
It's what i've been feeling for the past week.